The pub nutter

Have you ever heard Jasper Carrott's Nutter sketch?
The one where he says "It don't matter where I go, or where I sit, I always get the nutter sitting next to me".
Well last night, Graham and I got the nutter. The Cormorant was almost empty when we arrived, got our pints, and sat down. Two minutes later, in an almost deserted pub, with the choice of 100 seats, a nutter came in, bought a pint, and sat down right beside us. He was earwigging everything we said, chatting away to himself, and generally behaving VERY strangely. So we got up, bought another pint and sat down at another table. He obviously didn't like this, and proceeded to stare us out, which felt very uncomfortable. So we decided to leave and go to another pub. You've guessed it, 2 minutes after we sat down in came the nutter, bought a pint and sat down beside us. OH NO, here we go again!!!!! So down with the beers, out the door, and we ran like hell up the road to the next pub. Yep, sure enough 2 minutes later he came in (out of breath ,so he must have ran as well) bought his beer, walked right up behind Graham and gave me his best Paddington Bear Stare. Then he sat down at the furthest end of the bar, still staring at us. By now Graham is shitting himself, Portchester Railway Station at 11.30pm must be the loneliest place on the planet, and he didn't fancy hanging out there with a resident nutter who might have a knife in his pocket. So he followed me into the curry house, and waited till the last possible second before we took a look outside to see if the coast was clear, then he legged it up to the platform as fast as his skinny little legs would take him.

Care in the community, eh?

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